Do You Ever Struggle To Speak Up?

Business Consulting & Coaching

Do you ever struggle to speak up?  Another term for speaking up – is being ‘assertive.’  

This is an essential skill that few people have mastered well. 

Some communicators struggle with this particularly the ‘Patient and Playful’ styles.  Why?  Because they fear offending people.  Additionally  if you have ever had a bad experience then this can cause you fear and anxiety when you need to speak up.

How to speak up and be more assertive

Assertiveness is on a continuum between being passive and being aggressive.  Many of us get assertiveness confused with aggression but they are quite different.

When some people are criticised, they say nothing or feel intimidated to speak up. This is the passive behaviour. In contrast, some people react strongly and emotionally, become angry and loud or even insulting. This is the aggressive behaviour.  Assertive, or speaking up effectively is in between.

In other words, a lot of people give in to the criticism or react strongly without focusing on the message. Naturally, these behaviours are not optimal and do little to make the person feel better about themselves or others.  Such reactions also do not result in a good outcome from our interactions with others.  Fortunately, there is a middle ground we can use which is known as assertiveness.

Being assertive is about being able to state a fact or your opinion, state your feelings and take responsibility for you.  However, it is also about being clear, so that others can be held accountable for their contribution.  

For example, last time we spoke about the cinema when someone is in your seat.  Assertive communication is being able to walk up to the person, smile and say “Excuse me but I think you are in my seat.”

Real assertiveness is a beautiful thing to watch, it is hard to argue with and it brings about accountability and change. 

Here is a checklist to being more assertive:

• Use “I statements” to focus the conversation on you taking responsibility for your feelings and not blaming others.  For example; “I don’t agree” rather than “You are wrong” or “I believe you are in my seat”, rather than “that’s my seat, please move” ( too aggressive) or not saying anything and grumbling about it (passive).
• Learn to say “No” and stick to it. The word “No” is quite powerful, so use it.
• Deliver your message to the person that matters, not to everyone else but the person.  Gossip is harmful, disrespectful and unprofessional.
• If you don’t understand the other person, ask for clarification. Don’t assume or interpret what they said. A wrong interpretation can make you upset can easily lead to a whole new conflict.
• If you struggle to say “No”, you can tone it down by offering alternatives.  However, it is very useful to do some personal work on why you fear saying “No”.
• Avoid exaggerations such as “You always…”, “You are…”, “You constantly…”, “You never…”, “You are the most…”. They are not true, so there is no point to state them like that as they will be instantly rejected and the focus of the conversation will change towards them.

Next time I will spend some time explain how each Communication DNA style has their own strengths when it comes to speaking up and being assertive.

Until then Care Connect and be a Conscious Communicator. Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.